British-Asian Blog

Today’s topic was actually spurred by a brief discussion board located in the middle of the field at our Annual Patel Sports Festival. We were asked to discuss the relevance of culture, roots and identity in today’s British Asians. To begin, I thought it would be best to understand the clear definitions of the concepts discussed today;

Definitions;

Culture; the ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or society
Identity; the fact of being who or what a person or thing is
Roots; the condition of being settled and of belonging to a particular place or society

When asked to think about these areas, I first noticed how it was difficult to think of all three concepts simultaneously. To live within a multicultural world inevitably leads to dual priorities, in this case to be a British citizen, and to be a Koli Patel within the Indian community. Some people find this easy. I have a friend who actually quoted today that we dwell too strongly on problems, and that we should ‘just get on with it.’ In reality, there are some people who find the transition easy, others however have difficulties. Only in discussing the concerns can we aim to help each other.

On a personal level, I struggle with the concept of appealing to both personalities. Every decision falls into a split analysis, do I put on my Indian hat, or do I put on the British hat? For instance, I would rather forget my Indian hat on a night out, enjoy the surroundings, and have a great time. On the other hand, I will equally put on the Indian hat when surrounded by family at one of our many social gatherings to make sure I behave in an appropriate manner. How can you ensure that we put on the right hat, at the right time, to make the correct decision? Or, if you see it from the other side; why do often find ourselves judging others when we believe they are making the wrong decision? Is there even a wrong decision to be made when we should give equal priority to being both British and Indian? Who chooses which decisions and parts of each culture become a priority? In a utopian world, we would take all the positives of a British culture such as the education and knowledge, without any of the presumed negatives such as the desire to spend the evening drinking alcohol, or dancing in a club.

It’s easy to say that we shouldn’t make judgments, yet this is a distorted view. I personally have a problem when other people question my life decisions. Why am I not at the Mandir on a Saturday evening or why would I drive halfway across the country simply because my mother has asked for me to be home. As Indians, we don’t question family requests, as they are cultural. I find that intrusive questions often lend themselves to over-thinking your decisions. In the end, regardless of the questions, will our choices be any different? I know that my mother hates the fact that I like to go out on a weekend, and occasionally, we have a difficult ‘discussion,’ which usually leads to me staying in. As great as this is for the one occasion, the questions haven’t really changed my opinions of the activity or my mindset to going out. However, I do feel guilty, and I do find that I will re-think my opinions, if only for a split second. I don’t believe there is anything wrong in enjoying a night with friends in a club environment, however, I do feel the guilt of behaving in a manner that I know my parents find uncomfortable.

As British-Asians of a predominant first and second generation migration, we should be proud of our achievements. We have managed to successfully integrate into society and have subsequently reached a level of acceptance. In order to progress, this inclusion must continue. I think the difficulty comes in drawing the line. Parents would love to make the decisions as to what parts we should take from the British culture, but essentially, as the new generation, we will inadvertently be less strict, and more inclusive. The question we must ask is if we are strong enough as a community to have faith that the British social inclusion will not lead to a loss of our personal roots and previous struggles. Furthermore, with some communities declining, how can we re-assert our presence and the need for our Indian community to people who have walked away without appearing as condescending?

I believe that as British Indians, we should investigate, and subsequently manage a process whereby individuals can come to us for advice on their choices rather than feeling guilty at the mention of a ‘wrong decision,’ according to how older generations have behaved or deem us to behave. The fact that these discussions were present at today’s event only highlights our success and ability to move forward and strive towards a better community. I hope that these discussions continue, and that eventually reach a happy medium between the two cultures and lifestyles. In the meantime, I would welcome any thoughts from others in a similar position, as it would be great to receive advise both personally, and for the benefit of my readers with similar concerns.

Thanks for reading.

Recently I was invited by Brit Asia TV to appear on their show ‘Broken Silence,’ hosted by Sanyya Gardez [@Sanyya] The show discussed the concept of dating, relationships and marriage to young British Asians. Joining us on the show, we had guest speakers from various marriage & dating solutions, plus a few additional guest speakers.

As the discussion progressed, we reached the view that men & women had been reacting different to the pressures of getting married. It was discussed how increasing numbers of British-Asian men are returning to their heritage countries to find a wife. Whether this be to get a ‘traditional girl’ or because it’s the ‘easy option.’ I personally thought that this was a view exaggerated by my mother to scare me into behaving or acting differently. It does however seem to be a growing trend.

One of the guests discussed how the pool of available men is shrinking due to the fact that British-Asian men typically fall into 5 categories:

a) Using heritage countries to find wives
b) Starting inter-racial marriages
c) Not interested in marriage
d) Settled in their early 20’s
e) Single and looking

These options are not replicated in the female British-Asian, many of which wouldn’t consider going back to a heritage country to find their partners. This unfortunately leaves us in a difficult situation, where there are more eligible single British-Asian women than their male counterparts. Subsequently, it was discussed that we should be less picky with our choice of male partner, and should settle for specific good qualities, rather than looking for someone you really desire/love or are compatible with.

Whilst this trend is growing, this isn’t the issue that most annoyed me. I find it both shocking and patronising that the common solution to this problem lies with the women selecting a second-best option just so that we aren’t “left on the shelf”.

As a single British-Asian, I don’t believe that we should ever settle for second-best. Would you advise your own daughter to settle?

Some may argue that the problem is that women have become ‘too western’ for their male counterparts. We want the careers, we want the social life, we want to live away from the family home. What do you expect? Did you expect that by growing up in this country, we would have been happy to attend university, carve careers and then give this all up for a man, and to serve his interests? This man is probably aiming to continue his “western values,” whilst retaining a “traditional girl” who will serve him, and probably be too afraid to question his patriarchal right to rule the home… Give me a break!

It brings me to the point of asking the question many people don’t want to ask. What is it about a strong, independent, intelligent female that scares a man into leaving and finding a ‘traditional girl’ that will follow their views? Should we not be shaking our heads at the men who are unable to cope with the shared responsibility in a relationship?

Does this not beg us to questions whether it is the men who need to step up and stop being insecure? Times are changing, and changing fast. I pity the man who is unable to change with the times, who can’t stand up tall and still be a man with the confidence to have an intelligent, confident woman on his arm. A 21st Century relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Furthermore, if the British-Asian man wants to prosper in this country, he would do well to move with the times.

This issue comes down to a matter of respect. For once, women can demand an equal amount of respect. We have been educated to the same high standard, we understand and need social lives, and we have needs as a wife that need to be addressed equally. Are men really unwilling to share the tasks of careers & home-rearing?

Some of you may see this as an ‘I hate men” campaign. Quite the contrary. I dislike the men who run from their problems, who want the easy life. I respect a man, who is willing to be a man for all the right reasons. A man who is willing to enter a partnership of marriage, knowing that it will be just that… A Partnership.

Till next time.
x

How much do you hate those “curtain twitchers,” “do-gooders” and general “I_uphold_the_moral_value” judgemental idiots in the world.

In the last few weeks, I have had more judgemental comments than my entire life combined. This is particularly rare given that I come from a growing, meddling Indian community. As a family, we’ve had our fair share of comments. As a child, I think my parents would agree that my rebellious ways have brought a lot of criticism. I take the blame for many of the incidents, and it’s taken a while, but I accept my mistakes, and reckless behaviour.

To give you a background, I’ve brought a blonde guitar playing boyfriend home at the age of 14 and tried to convince my parents he was there to provide “guitar lessons.” I was kicked out of Gujarati class aged 7 for ‘talking and eating too many sweets rather than listening.’ [You would presume that this is no longer relevant, but the fact that this is still brought up in conversation with my mother indicates the extent to which these incidents have affected her opinion of me as a character.] I’ve said a few mean words to a few old enemies, that have still never been forgotten. [Stupidly in the same Indian community] … the list is endless, and probably still growing!

Nevertheless, I take responsibility & full punishment for my reckless actions. They were my choices, and I know that my choices came with repercussions, [usually months of the silent treatment from my mother, and a good hiding from my father.]

There have however, been two events in the last fortnight that have drove me crazy. The first was a drive out with my colleague. As territory sales managers, we drive round London, visiting customers to increase orders, & volumes etc.. I won’t bore you with the job details. Usually, other teams can request to join us, so that they can meet customers, and understand our arm of the business.

On this occasion, I offered to take out a colleague, who we shall name colleague X. Colleague X was born in Pakistan, is happily married, and has a small baby. Usually, I get along brilliantly with him. But on this occasion, he proceeded to tell me how he thought Asian girls should behave, dress and act. Given that he was a colleague, I held my tongue for the most part, but seriously, I have never had to deal with someone so judgemental in all my life. For 4 hours I had comments relating to ‘women should cover up,” “women shouldn’t be seen in clubs as its not the right environment.” He even told me that he had to ask his wife’s permission to come on trade with me as it wouldn’t be appropriate to be in such close contact with him otherwise. Seriously, what did he think I was going to do in that car? I think the icing on the cake was how he told me I had ‘lost my roots’ due to the fact that I believed I was British first, and Indian second. [That’s a whole other debate]

On the second occasion, I was out with my colleagues having a great time in Leicester square. I saw a random guy staring at me from the corner of my eye. I really didn’t consider it as an issue, after all, I usually attract a few freaks on my nights out. After some time, I asked my colleague to dance with me so shake off the freak stares. Next thing I know, the guy walks over to me and throws a drink on me… When I chased to ask him why, he said ‘can’t believe you chose to dance with that white guy.’ … What a joke! What is my business to him? I have no problem with dating anyone of any race, regardless of the fact that on this occasion, I was dancing with a colleague and it was totally innocent.

I’m all for an open marriage, but to ask your partners permission to be in close proximity to the opposite sex insinuates that there is an underlying worry to be had in the first place. I would never presume that 4 hours in a car with someone would lead to the thoughts these people were having. Furthermore, I would never place judgement on a mixed-race couple, based on the fact that they were mixed-race. Who am I to judge what that couple consists of? How does the colour make you any less loving, kind or considerate?

This brings me on to discuss the issue of judgements particularly from other Asians. For years, good men & women have petitioned to end judgemental values. So why is it that we are digressing? Why are people openly judging another person’s choices? Is it a co-incidence that as Asians we are the worst at it? Do people who don’t share my open views think that because of this, I have lost my roots?

We watch hours of Indian soap opera’s in my home, and I feel that the concept of prying into your neighbour’s world, only to spread a world of gossip can’t be far from the truth. There must be a reason that these shows appeal to people? As much as I think I am free to walk through town holding a guys hand without judgement, I’m not. You can guarantee that if I walk through the centre of my hometown with any guy, my mother will know about it before I even get home. Shouldn’t people worry more about what’s happening in their own homes & families?

Either way, I won’t condone any of the behaviour that I have recently witnessed. These two incidents have highlighted that there is so much yet to be done, in a country that is thought of as ‘multicultural.’ Furthermore, it’s shown me, that the people who I should be most worried about, are the people with whom I thought of as an extended family. People who I would greet in the temple, and who I would see in the Indian grocery shops.

I’ve always been of the view that these people will talk regardless of how you behave or act. This is unfortunate for my parents, (who prefer to take the views of others very seriously). You can never be completely free from the gossip that fuels our temples. Eventually, you have to get to a point where you live your life, hoping that others will eventually come around to our way of thinking. I fully believe and will advise that we should live our lives as we see fit, and ignore the judegments of others.

I will leave you with a quote given to me by a friend.

“We can never judge the lives of others because each person knows only their own pain & renunciation. Its one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it is another to think that yours is the only path.’ [Paulo Coelho – Brazilian Author]

Thanks for reading…
xx

Recently my mother has literally “run out” of conversation with me. If I wake up in the morning she would say ‘now if you had a husband, he might have made you breakfast.” If I ring her to say I was cycling home late it would be ‘well, a husband would have picked you up.” And my personal favourites come when you least expect them, like its absolutely imperative for my mother to get across that I should be spending ALL my time looking for a husband, for instance when she got in the car a few weeks ago, she barely looked at me, just muttered “you really should start looking for a husband.” Where on earth did that come from? It’s my very own Indian motherly version of verbal diarrhoea.

I have recently had an interaction through twitter with @twomangoes and decided to view their website and see the “hype.” To be fair, the first thing that struck me was that this was a site that focused on “dating” rather than trying to find that “one” … Thank GOD! What a refreshing change!

I then started reading a blog by a fellow tweeter @ControverSHIL, which I found hugely refreshing! It’s nice to see such honesty, and I admire her for speaking truthfully. Unfortunately for me, the concept of speaking openly about my dating exploits would get me a lifetime of hell from my parents. Nevertheless, I do find myself agreeing with some of the comments.

Id love to even find one of my friends who hasn’t been in a relationship. The old way is changing, and changing fast. The older generation need to wake up and smell the coffee, and we need to start educating parents to the fact that dating does not make you a whore.

Areas often overlooked by my parents are ones that for the new 21st century Indian, are very important. I find myself wondering if the need for sexual compatibility is as important as “emotional compatibility.” You can say what you like about the whole “you will learn to love someone” concept. I don’t want to “learn to love.” What I want is someone that I am instantly attracted to, both emotionally and sexually. I think that dating is an integral part of a long-term relationship. Is this a “western” concept? How many Indians will happily admit that this is important?

I do find one issues in dating, the trouble is, the more you date, the more you want the ideal man. You find that past failed relationships teach you that, ‘I don’t want someone who eats loudly, I need someone with some balls to stand up and be assertive, they need to be attractive, rough, the kind of roll out of bed type’… the list is endless… do you find then, that by dating your making life difficult for yourself? Suddenly the experience has added to your list of desirables… The more you date, the more you weed people out! It then becomes incredibly difficult to find someone you like the sound of…?

Whatever you think, I will not be “settling” for a run of the mill guy who has all the traits my parents want. Bottom line… if I don’t find the guy attractive both sexually and emotionally there is no way in hell he’s getting past the first date regardless of whether he has a PHD or not!

As for the dating, I just don’t see there being a choice in today’s world. What would you like us to do? Sit around, twiddle our thumbs and wait for prince charming to ride up on his big black horse? Brilliant! Fat chance of that. This independent woman isn’t going to sit around for that… and I don’t advise others to do the same either!

Love,
x

Hi,

It’s been a while, or so I’ve been told recently, but its not always easy to find the time to write.

I also find that I have to have a surge of emotion before writing, usually a negative emotion, and I find that I use this medium as a way of clearing my head. When I was younger I used to escape to my room and write in my diary, and for some reason this isn’t any different.

Unfortunately, today is just one of those days.

As a sit here wondering what possessed me to get upset over the last hour, I also remind myself that I essentially have to deal with my own thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I tried calling a few close friends, but I can’t hold them responsible for not picking up. A friend is just a friend. As much as they say they love you and care for you, they don’t wake up every morning with you on their mind. Nor do they go to sleep hoping your ok.

Family I find are just the same… they may think of you more often, they may ring on a purely unselfish basis to check in on you. But this won’t be daily! Recently, my parents have taken to putting a lot of effort into the temple, and I’ve tried several times to get in touch with my father… he’s a little busy, and as a father of 3, with a full time job & a temple to run, its not surprising that I don’t always get a quick response back. Besides, what do I say? That I wish he’d call daily? He’d probably laugh at me and tell me he’s too busy! Or he’d probably argue that I shouldn’t have moved to London if I wanted to see him often. Both valid arguments, and both not worth starting… not if I want to stay in his good books! ;-)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish someone would care. I think a lot of men get put off with the responsibility of having to deal with a girl. They see it as hard work. My friends and I have discussed this at length. What they don’t understand is that it isn’t hard, or time consuming. All a girl ever wants is for someone to wake up and go to bed and drop them a call/text to say that they cared. To honestly ask if there was anything they could do? If there was anything that they needed to get off their chest?

Nobody wants a needy partner, I for one hate the neediness. I dislike long-winded protracted meetings planned too far in advance to actually be fun! But who said a relationship had to be needy? Lets go back to having fun. I don’t want a husband, I don’t even think I want a boyfriend. But I do wish I had someone who cared enough to not make excuses for why they didn’t get in touch; but someone who wanted to make sure they sent you a text in the morning just to wish you a good morning, knowing this would start you off on a good day!

It’s time to end the excuses. If you cared, you’d get in touch. If you don’t care, you’d make excuses for why you didn’t get in touch! After-all, if you can go to bed and go a whole day without checking up to see if that person is ok … well ... then I think we can honestly agree that you’re “just a friend.”

Till Next Time!
x

Hi all,

I’m really sorry that its taken a while to blog. For the last 2 months I have had one consuming project, and it’s finally come to an end.

Recently I’ve moved into the internal recruitment team. My entire role revolves around the need to bring in fresh graduates and experienced sales individuals. Speaking to graduates who are knee deep in final year projects has highlighted that I didn’t want my university background to be a waste. Recruitment is a numbers game. To the point where I have had my manager say “don’t over-complicate things, just keep hammering the phones and the deals will come… it isn’t rocket science.” In fact, recruitment has been highlighted to me as 30% of a positive attitude, 30% of a hard-working mentality, 20% attributing to intelligence & strategy & 20% down to pure luck. Personally, I can remember working as hard as these graduates, and to subsequently be working in a role that doesn’t require any of my degree is coming across as a bit of a joke.

Before I get complaints, I want to reiterate that I have loved recruitment as a starting post. I’ve earnt a lot of money, and I’ve picked up a variety of transferable skills. Truth be known, I would have probably not got this new job without the experience that recruitment has given me. Furthermore, I would happily recommend recruitment to graduates looking for a fast-paced, sales based role. To be honest, if I was ONLY concerned about the money, I’d probably still be in the role.

Unfortunately, I’ve got to the point where I feel like I’ve hit a glass ceiling in terms of personal development. To elevate to the next step, I would have to concentrate on my sales figures for 18 months, and then move into a mentoring position, before finally getting to a team leader status. Again, on a personal level, this isn’t really where I see myself in 3 years time.

An Unlikely Circumstance

Back in January, when I started considering a move out of recruitment, I started researching alternative roles. I felt that recruitment was lacking the mental challenge, but that I still very much enjoyed the sales environment. I came across several other sales roles, and happened to fall upon a face that I recognised on the right hand side of my facebook. [Please bear with me on this one, as I know it sounds far-fetched and co-incidental.] I realised that he worked in sales, and for a rather large FMCG company. I emailed him the following email;

Hey,

You popped up on the "friends I may know," and I recognised you from university! Don't worry, I’m not trying to stalk you, just wanted to know if I could ask you some questions about your job?

Wanted to apply for [X], and wanted some advice on applications etc.

If you could help, it would be amazing! Currently working in recruitment in Manchester (15 months), however, whilst this is a sales environment, the majority is through telesales combined with client meetings. Looking for a role that is directly people-focused.

I will wait for your response before I bug you with questions!

Thanks in advance!

[M].x

Que his speedy reply;

Hi [M], hope all is well, I joined [X] on the graduate scheme over 3 years ago. Did a year in field sales then 6 months in marketing. A year and a half working on Tesco as an account executive.

Now I’m a customer manager. Working for [Y Brand].

If you want to ask any questions give me a call 07XXX XXX XXX. Take care.

[P]. x

So… fast-forward 6 months, you are reading the news that I am a soon to be territory sales manager for a large FMCG client in the middle of London!

I start in 1 weeks time, and I am really looking forward to the challenge. On another note, I’m absolutely terrified as it will be a very difficult uphill battle to start with. I’m hoping that this all works out for me, and that I’m still discussing how great the company is in years to come.

I’ll more than likely go back to ranting about my epically disastrous dating circumstances combined with my inability to strike a likely chord with my mother by the next time you tune in.

Thanks for your patience in waiting for this blog.

x

P.s ; I’d also love to hear about any other anecdotes of how social media has helped others in their job prospects! I no longer see social media as a negative conception. I think there is definitely an element of truth in the fact that social media can create opportunities, if used effectively. I know that my friend Ashley Connick has had some great successes if you don’t believe me! [http://ashleyconnick.wordpress.com/]

Hi all,

I hope you are well, and enjoying your Easter break. I'm currently swanning around the south coast [Reading and London,] catching up with some friends and family.

I thought i'd open up a little today to discuss the dating world..

I don't know if I ever did mention, but I was feeling the pressure of the dating world, and decided to be proactive. I personally don't believe anything comes from luck, and on the contrary believe that good rewards come to those who work hard enough in the first place. Now I know what some of you may think; that I’m tempting fate by attempting some dating websites. However, I've had some success and no horror stories to date.. Touch wood! Why not take matters into your own hands, and see if a reward comes through? It also helped me to broaden my mind towards possible suitors from a range of backgrounds and beliefs. To be fair though, it has done more to cement the truths about what I really want in life more than anything else.

I’ve recommended dating sites to others, some who have scoffed at the idea, others have been more open minded. A primary need for me is to have someone from an Indian background. There I said it. It sounds narrow minded, and it has nothing to do with religion given that I have very little of a religious conscience in my head. It just narrows down to personal tastes, and the fact that I would like to keep what little family relations I have strong, and not disturb the already difficult relationship. They could be Indian-Christian or Indian-Hindu for all my parents care, but an Indian is what I want!

I find dating a chore to some extent. I love the thrill of a new date, meeting over dinner, and the joy of unearthing some new facts about a person that you did not know. I also enjoy the stage of opening up, and seeing yourself relax as time goes on. What I don’t like is the way that the world works. I was explaining to an aunty of mine that to a certain extent, the “finding a partner” conundrum is much harder now than it ever was. We discussed the concept at length, wondering if it was better that your partner was chosen or if having a choice is better.
I’m not one to talk about not having a voice, afterall I did study International Relations, and I do believe in basic rights. However, I hate the flip side. You could date a guy for months, years even. I have many a friend who have dated for more than 5 years for the relationship to break up. Its too easy nowadays to walk away. To exclaim that life is too hard, and that there might be something better out there for you. I’m all for breaking up under extreme circumstances; abuse/rape etc. However, I just don’t believe people try anymore. Why would they? They want things easy on a plate, and if things mess up, hey, it will be fine won’t it?

The worst thing about the whole scene is that I have introduced two boyfriends to my parents at pivitol stages of my relationship. Both relationships have ended, and I pass on no blame onto purely the other half. I do however wish it didn’t work this way. My mother has a huge complex about the fact that I have had boyfriends regardless of the fact that you will find it bloody difficult to meet anyone nowadays who hasn’t had atleast one ‘serious’ relationship aged 25 or over.

I guess from my view, I think there should be a common ground. I’d love for someone to walk in and take a risk. For someone to say “yes I do initially like you, lets see how this works and try our absolute hardest to make it work before calling it quits.’ There could be so much you can gain from the experience of trying to work things out. I want to trust that someone would have a mature outlook, a goal in mind that this isn’t just for fun, but that they would love to try and make things work. They would love to walk into a relationship with the sole aim of it being serious from day one. If at that point it fails, couldn’t you at least say you tried rather than the other way round? Isn’t it better to have a half full cup rather than a half empty? And who says you can’t have fun whilst you go along? Isn’t fun what you make of it?

Ah well! I don’t know If I’m wishing for the stars in hoping id find someone with that sort of mature outlook, or whether there is someone who exists.

For your update, I have been on 4 amazing dates with a particular guy, in the last 6 weeks. I feel like I’m getting somewhere with someone who could be what I have wanted. On the other hand he could turn around next week and say he found someone who lives closer and he wants to try the easier option. Who knows?? Well for now I’m keeping my glass half full and I’m going to hope for the best. I’ll give it a good go, and try my utmost to make this work. In the very least, if it doesn’t, I know I have no regrets.

The sun is still shining, and I might go for a walk to clear my head.

I hope you have all had an enjoyable bank holiday weekend, and that your looking forward to next week’s royal festivities!

I’m hoping to crash a street party or two! 

Till Next Time.
xx

P.s, I have been told that comments arn't being shown. I wasn't aware of this as I have approved all comments. Could you please let me know if this is the case so I can rectify it? Thank you

Hi All.

I've had the busiest of times with work and apologise for my lack of contact recently. I got a promotion from being a standard recruitment consultant, to an internal recruiter. Essentially this means no more cold calling clients, no more sitting on the end of a phone while your client refuses to answer your call, and no more listening to my manager bark down my ear about me not doing my KPI's [which for the most part, are hugely irrelevant anyway]. Instead, I get to deal with getting graduates in to the exact role I’ve just left... Ironic much? Regardless, do you know anyone interested? ...

I'm sat at a friend’s house in London. We've been for a walk and everyone's fallen asleep. For some reason, I’m not at all tired and so I’ve decided to jump online.

I've spent the last few hours trying to work my way through a math’s test. I'm getting increasingly frustrated about my poor numeracy skills. Not to start a huge political rant, but let me explain my current situation.

Since leaving school at 16, armed with Math’s [B], English [A,A] and Science [B,C,C] and countless other GCSE's, I then earnt 4 A. Levels in English, Psychology, Media Studies and World History, and then a BA in International Relations from the University of Leeds, [2.1].

So it comes to a period in my life where I haven’t touched a math’s for 9 years, and I’m applying for roles related to the last 6 years of my study. Yet for some reason, marketing/business/sales roles all require a math’s test, which I’m finding difficult to pass. Instead I get numeracy tests that ask me to equate the value of coal in an electricity mine using thousands of tones when the table uses hundreds of grams. I’m sure it’s simple really, but I can't get my head around it.

The British education system does NOT cater for working life. In the 6 years of college and university I have learnt to read, write, and dissect information. I can present with confidence, and debate my views in a concise, informative manner. However, having never come across a complex mathematical problem, my brain has forgotten how it works! So after years of education I have now had to re-pay a local tutor to teach me the basics for which the current system does not cover! Next time I hear a careers advisor tell someone at 16 to further their studies in "what they enjoy" and not "what is relevant for the job market" I may scream! No wonder there are so many graduates out of employment.

I’d love to stay online right now… but I better get back to studying the inevitable … I still have one more failed numeracy test to attempt before I get to bed!

Till next time.
Goodnight All.
xx

For the past week, iv had a niggling feeling in the back of my head. Iv had an old friend de-friend me on facebook over the most ridiculous reason, that being that out of morals I wouldn't de-friend his ex-girlfriend because he has asked it of me. Since when did facebook become the focal point of friendships?

This was subsequently followed with an outburst tonight directed against my mother! I came home on Friday night as usual. I went to bed early, given that on Thursday night we had our company AGM followed by a party at Vermillion which lasted early into the morning! Saturday, for the first time in months, I slept in! This didn't go down well in my house! I subsequently scrambled to wash the clothes, tidy the house and get the jobs done on Saturday daytime! By the evening, it was left to me and my parents. Not the best of scenarios given that the three of us never really speak.

I was left with the task of gathering together some food. I quickly fried some chicken and made some bruschetta's. Half way through, mum walked in and said that bruschetta's wern't made like that! I had put the pesto and tomatoes on the bread at this point. She pointed out that I needed tomatoes, onions, chillis and salt. I subsequently chopped onions, chillies and garnished with Salt! She ate it! Without comment! Surprisingly... That was until about half an hour ago when she brought up that I needed to grow up. That I never do anything right, and that I can't even make bruschetta's right! I knew it was too good to be true!

They seem to forget that when I was younger I only remember them arguing. To get away from the tension I used to lock myself in my room and study. Every night id study till the early hours of the morning, with the sole aim of getting to university. I couldn't be around them, because they had such short fuses.

Now... its not much different. True, they're calmer individuals, and they cope a lot better, but for some reason our relationship remains the same. I love my parents, but I barely have a relationship. My mother and I havn't had a real conversation in years! From the minute I wake up till the minute I sleep we argue, or have small digs! She gets annoyed that I don't look my best every day! I have the opposite idea, that i've had to wear a suit, make-up and hair done all week for work, and when I get home, I just want to chill out!

One of the regular arguments we have is that I was never around to help out! When I was 16, they bought a post office. Opening hours are 9-5 weekdays, 9-1 Saturdays. I was at college 8-6 weekdays and I got myself a job at weekends 9-5 Saturday, and 11-6 Sundays. They wanted me to quit my job so that I could work for them on a Saturday morning. I was a stubborn teenager and refused. I couldn't stand the thought of more arguments at weekends too. I saw myself as having a job, and for once having the financial independence from them!

I don't know why, or how it got this way. But my parents and I have never had a kind relationship towards each other. I scream, and they scream. Usually the worst phrases come out! I feel like a 12 year old child from the minute I walk into the house, and I seem to digress into the person I hate to be.

They say i'm selfish, that i'm lazy, that i'm irresponsible and a waste of space. I say they don't care about me, and that they've never bothered to take time out for me! Its a round robin. I can't be around them, and they can't really handle me. Funnily enough, if you ask my friends what i'm like, I am responsible, I can fend for myself. Cook, clean, organised. I just can't seem to do it where it matters at home!

For a heads up, today's argument revolved around clothes. For the past 3 hours, i've been catching up on some tv on my laptop. I've been upstairs, whilst my parents and my sister are downstairs. My brother has been out for about 5 hours. I have neglected to separate the clothes that were in my suitcase, those going back with me and those staying here. I walked downstairs and got the comment "if I did what you did, and was so irresponsible, nothing would get done around here", "you should have emptied the clothes earlier". I argued that I've been busy all day. Netball with my sister, then I manned the kitchen when there were guests, then I went upstairs for a break. I argued that it wasn't an imperative job and that I was going to do it before I left tomorrow. She said a good child would have been up earlier, that she would have done all the jobs before sitting down! Whether I did it before sitting on my laptop, or after, it wasnt a major job.

Its not the fact that she told me to do something. When she asks something of me, I do it. I just hate the fact that from the minute I walk in the house to the minute I leave its never good enough! My hair isnt right, the clothes arn't right. I've not done the jobs in the right order. Its not been done quick enough! Its never-ending. A part of me thinks that this relationship will never improve.

Sometimes I manage to keep my temper. Others I just lose my grip. I only ever lose my temper with my parents, and I can't seem to stop. Will it always be this way?

Oh. I'm sorry for ranting! I'm sure it will get better. You've caught me at a very bad time!

xxx

Hi.

Today I thought I would share a conversation over email that I had with my Father!
Before any preconceptions, it is worth noting, that out of the 4 people in my family, my dad and I are the two that get along most [except my sister of-course, who is always the favourite] I think the email was meant as a serious attempt to start a discussion, but it did in fact turn humorous!

Don’t worry though... there were no feelings harmed in this exchange!
[I just thought you may find it amusing to see an alternative side to my family relationships]

________________________________________

From: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Sent: 08 February 2011 00:03
To: Dad
Subject: Speed Dating Soirée - Saturday 14 May, London

Speed Dating Soirée

Saturday, May 14 at 7:00pm - May 15 at 1:00am

X Bar [Details omitted for purpose of blog]

All the single Patels, come and find you’re… PERFECT PATEL!

Exclusively for young professional singles aged 23 to 35 from the Patel community.

For just £25 meet single, interesting and like-minded Patel’s in a fun and friendly environment in the heart of the West End.

Continue the conversation over complimentary drinks and canapés till late.

Don’t miss it or you'll miss out!

To register or for further information contact: X

________________________________________
From: Dad
Sent: 08 February 2011 07:46
To: British-Asian
Subject: FW: Speed Dating Soirée - Saturday 14 May, London
Maybe its time you started to attend these meeting?

________________________________________
From: British-Asian
Sent: 08 February 2011 13:56
To: Dad
Subject: RE: Speed Dating Soirée - Saturday 14 May -London
For the record, I am highly unlikely to attend an event that indicates "Patel’s only"
Should an event arise that is not limited to "Patel’s" I may be slightly more interested and less adverse to the situation!
I will only consider attending "Hindu" across all spectrums.

It may be worth noting that I will not be pursing these options until I get closer to turning 25, eg after September of this year!

The world is not what is used to be, and I will not walk into these situations without having the following areas covered;
- Financially independent, e.g. regular salary that will contribute to a partnership rather than lean on a partner
- Career independent to any partner
- A career that allows geographical mobility, as I would be interested in settling in any location worldwide
[I foresee this situation solidifying after September, providing the choices we discussed over the weekend turn out positive]

I understand that you are both worried/frustrated at my lack of interest in this field, but I won't be pushed into these areas without having certain personal circumstances sorted.

* Please note that regardless of the above criteria, I will seriously consider these advances once I turn 25.
I'd appreciate it if you didn’t pile on the pressure until Nov/Dec this year. I know the situation, and I think that waiting until I’m 25, safe and secure is both a necessary and mature decision. This still allows 2-3 years of time post 25 to get to know someone and make this choice.

I have seriously considered what I would look for as minimum starting criteria;

Necessary Criteria;

- Financially independent
- 5ft9 or above as an absolute minimum
- genuine passion for travelling and other cultures
- must have a sense of humour
- 26 or above, will consider up-to 29
- must have a personal passion, something that they are truly interested in, cant be bothered with those wishy washy people with no opinions or passions!
- Must be incredibly strong minded, and vocal in opinions, think of someone as stubborn as yourself. I don’t want someone who will just agree with everything I say!
- Must be vocal in political/current affairs and their views
- Smart & Intelligent
- Able to converse with people from numerous backgrounds
- Able to enjoy themselves and have fun
- Someone who is ambitious and would consider opening their own business OR reaching director level of their current company
- Wants a minimum of 2 children
- Able to react calmly to our family
- Stocky and not skinny - think rugby rather than footballer bodies. NOT FAT/unhealthy!
- Must come from an equally large extended family.
- Must NOT focus their life around religion
- Must enjoy food, and know how to cook, and clean.
- Must NOT be vegetarian or have other dietary issues
- Does not have to have attended university however, Must have lived away from home for more than 2 years
- Ideally someone who is open to living in a different country
- Ideally someone who is the youngest/oldest child as they're usually stronger willed
- Ideally someone who likes all types of music
- Ideally someone who reads
- Preferably someone who has/can play a musical instrument or is genuinely passionate about a sport
- Must be able to speak intelligently. Not interested in individuals that talk like they're 16 and talk in slang.
- Must have travelled to at least 5 separate countries in their lifetime

Here is the criteria should you wish to discuss with mother.
Any questions; Please ask!

From: Dad
Sent: 08 February 2011 13:56
To: British-Asian
Subject: RE: Speed Dating Soirée - Saturday 14 May -London
Hi,

We all at the office enjoyed reading your reply, and have found the compatible match that even you could not turn down.

Just name the date and we do the rest.

[Attached Picture. Shrek]

________________________________________

It made the rest of the family laugh!!

xx