It's been a very long time since I've written and its because there's been a lot if changes that I've needed to manage all at once. It's probably a little late to explain my writing stance but I usually only write as a way of clearing my head. This in a way explains why I never reply to comments written. It's nice to hear your responses good or bad but I don't want to get into a debate when I'm already at a low point and in need to explore my own thoughts. Funnily enough, time usually changes some of my thoughts but that's bound to happen in hindsight.
I write today because I don't know how else to clear my head. For the past 3 months I've been in a constant state of feeling upset, angry and frustrated so if you're a friend who's had to put up with me, I'm sorry! 3 months ago I was made redundant which caused two things, a decision on my next job and a change of residence and lifestyle again. Given that I live down south alone, I knew I needed to make some quick decisions. Thankfully the job part was somewhat easy, I had 10 interviews lined up and got an offer from my first one which I took. I then reluctantly moved out of a flat I loved into a flat for convenience. My job is great, it's fun, I love the team and the work. The only downside is that it's a 6 month contract which makes me nervous and apprehensive. I have never tried so hard but given that I've had to deal with a new city, flatmates, surroundings and work, I feel pressurised and confused. I know my solution, continue to work hard and be thankful that I do at least have a job, but it doesn't make the insecurity feel any different.
I know that many of you will ask why I am feeling upset, it seems I've fixed my problems, I'm healthy and I should be happy. There is a difference between having economic stability and emotional stability. I've never really felt truly alone, and when you go through a period of school, university, early work life you never really end up alone because the constant stream of social situations make it easy to find friends.
Unfortunately, when you've had enough of crazy nights out, and you realise that the 18 year old next to you drinking Jaegar shots isn't how you want to spend your Saturday nights you reach a weird state of mind. How do I now meet people who are happy to have a quiet drink or coffee?
Worst thing is that this is a cyclical bad state of affairs where you realise your inability to meet new people suddenly makes you more self conscious and aware and suddenly you revert back to a pre-university mindset of "why would people want to give you their time"? The harder you try, the more desperate you feel you try and in the meantime, all those people who were your friends become busier and busier and finding time to meet up becomes as difficult as solving a complex equation! Suddenly, given the insecurity in our job roles, we all put work first, relationships second and friends last. Suddenly you go from being surrounded by friends to being alone in a rat race that you have to be in.
The worst part about this whole situation is knowing the sacrifice I've made at home! I would love to move closer to home but unfortunately I've rang up the HR depts and had linked in conversations but the FMCG companies up north are limited and where they exist, they're not hiring. Additionally, because I can't afford to go home as often as I like my brother and sister just don't bother calling, my father has resulted in never calling and my mother occasionally checks in to ask "where are you," as if this is a substitute to "how are you?" All the cousins who say they care don't actually ring to ask how I am, and in fact if I didn't ring any family, I'm pretty sure no one would ring me. I'm trying really hard to think that it's not that my family don't care, it's maybe that they either don't think they need to worry or that it's an out of sight out of mind situation. Maybe they've not realised that because I always ring them to check up on them that they haven't realised that they haven't ever picked up the phone to see how I am!? Maybe I should resolve to a situation where realistically I'm not allowed to be upset about this, and that people are busy, and I'm not just a low priority. Maybe they don't realise that every single time I think of home I cry, and that I wish for more?
Either way, this Is a silly post. I can't go home because unfortunately, if I don't suck it up and sort out my job situation I will be a lot worse off. I can't see my friends any more than I do because I realise that they're in the same situation and just trying to make the job work.
As a final resolve I've taken the following actions;
- aim to join a running club
- planning on moving home to a more sociable flat so that I have someone to watch tv & cook with
- aim to join a hockey club to build up my social calendar.. Plus those natural endorphins will keep me from crying I'm sure.
Either these things will keep me so busy that I don't realise I'm struggling alone as usual, or luck might be on my side and I might just make some new friends who have some time for me. It's worth a chance if nothing else.
Till next time!